Windmills in my mind

Five months ago I embarked on a path that, had I known where it was going to lead, I should have avoided at all costs. Part of me wishes I had the benefit of foresight but then with that I'd probably just avoid everything and not have the experiences that make me, me.

Why is it that that some people come into your life and hardly make any impact, they're just there, but others can just turn everything on its head and, even if they're there for the least amount of time, seemingly irrevocably change everything? Time, it's said, will heal all wounds. But, really, will it? Does a person really ever fully heal? Experience tells me that time makes things easier to bear, that new experiences, new people, old people even, will all come into the mix. But the hurt doesn't really ever go away.

Finding my 1997 journal, the one I mentioned a few posts back, was illuminating and shocking in equal measure. Illuminating because it showed that no matter what I thought about a particular situation things kind of worked out in the end. Where I thought one person was somehow irreplaceable in my life other people came, and went, that showed me this was not the case. This gives hope and with a rational view of things it makes complete sense. The journal was shocking because the events I diaried 15 years ago mirror the events of today. Names and places may have changed, how things started may be different, but the before and after are identical. Then, as now, I'd reached a comfortable plateau in my life, I liked who I was, I liked the life I was living and I felt secure within myself and my world. Cue then the person that's going to come along and completely rock your world. At the time they turn up this person is the cherry on the icing on the cake. For a while you believe that you can have your cake and eat it. Of course, when you do all you're left with is crumbs.

And so it is for me. I love with all my heart and soul. I give absolutely everything of myself and pay for it.

Twitter @siwhite  -  © Simon White 2011