Simon White's place on the web

My nature is pretty well described by these dictionary and thesaurus definitions of the word.  I seem to spend a lot of time examining the possible outcomes of a particular situation where the impact is on me directly. I don't think I'd ever be described as a 'detail' person, more likely, I think, I'd be described as a 'big picture'  person.  In my day-to-day life, when things are functioning "normally" this mode of operation seems to work for me. I'm able to make decisions with reasonable speed and clarity and see things before they emerge.

In my current situation though, this skill (if it can be termed thus) is much more of an impediment. Introspection leads to a huge amount of circular thinking which, if left unchecked, is unhealthy and ultimately very damaging.  The mind, my mind, gets stuck in feedback loop from which it seems impossible to escape. Computer programmers will recognise this as a nested gosub with one sub-routine calling another which calls the first and creates an infinite loop.  The answer in that case is to perform a hard re-set and amend the code.

But I'm not a computer so that option isn't immediately available to me (oh, how I wish it was). Instead one has to try to understand the underlying mechanisms and use any and all available tools to break out of the loop and re-establish a healthier thinking pattern.  The tool set it's suggested I use is called Cognative Behaviour Therapy or CBT. The basic premise of CBT is to recognise, trap and deal with negative thinking before it becomes an endless loop of cause and effect which leads to depression.

The literature I've been pointed towards describes the loop as a vicious circle which is initiated by an external event. Quite often the event is something over which you have no control, but even if you do have control negative thinking through too much introspection alters your mood and feelings which in turn leads to physical symptoms which then changes your behaviour.  The example used is forgetting an important birthday which might make you think that you're useless (altered thinking) which leads to feeling guilty or down (altered feelings). Physically the old churning stomach routine makes you feel ill, sick, whatever which makes you want to hide away (altered behaviour). The hiding away - something I'm really good at - is the most damaging aspect of all of this. Without external input your mind goes into overdrive, the circle more and more vicious.

For me it's usually the combination of a number of things that starts the cycle. Difficulties at work knocking my confidence and self esteem combined with the ending of an important relationship and a myriad of other small, almost insignificant, events have lead me to the place I'm in at the moment. Medication stabilises the situation and therapy helps with the underlying cause(s). The rollercoaster of the past few days has, I hope, been halted and by applying some (or all) of the things I've learnt over the past couple of months and will be easier to prevent in the future.

The key, for me, was to take the time to talk. Not to hide and fear the worst imaginings of my mind will actually happen or are true. 

Back in October 2006 whilst on holiday in Tenerife I did a PADI Open Water scuba diving course. It was truly amazing and I was hooked. Being practically weightless in a completely alien, albeit slightly familiar, environment and interacting, in an observational sense, with all sorts of marine life was fantastic. I qualified reasonably easily and went on to take an advanced course in the UK a couple of months later which I also passed.

Scuba diving is all about trust in the people you're diving with and team work. The folk in Tenerife were (and are) great but looking for a dive club in the UK, in the West Midlands, was a bit daunting. After a bit of searching I came up with a couple of possibilities but for some reason wasn't able to get a response from them on the telephone or via email. Suitably discouraged I decided that I'd probably just leave my diving to holidays in Tenerife.

Me @ Neptune's Cave, Tenerife, July '07

In the Summer of 2007 I went out to Tenerife again, for a week or so, and logged loads of dives and completed another 5 specialities as well.  So, all looking quite positive then really except I was still facing the same problem - who was I going to dive with whilst back in the UK? The short answer was nobody. I still thought of myself as a diver and had every intention of going but I never did. Eventually my kit ended up in the loft, still loved but now sadly neglected.

Fast forward four and a half years and a friend has got the bug. He's just qualified as a PADI Open Water diver and, just as I was in 2006, is keen and excited about progressing as a diver and wants somebody to dive with. Yay! So last night I donned my gear once again and in a swimming pool belonging to a school in Wordsley I'm pleased to be able to say that I sucessfully re-qualified and can now, legitimately, call myself a diver once again. This time though I have somebody to dive with. I'll just have to make sure I keep it up, eh?

Do you ever have dreams that seem so real that you can feel and taste and smell everything contained within them?

I do. Not all of the time, that would be too weird, but once in a while. Last night's dream was one of those occasions. I can't go into too much detail about the substance of the dream, partly because I don't remember it all, partly to protect the innocent and partly because I don't want to. Not yet anyway. Suffice to say I was transported back to a time just a few months ago when my world felt complete. The dream had all of the ingredients of a really great day. All of the 'right' people were there, offspring too and really it was a magical day. I think, actually I know, the dream is based upon a real day back in October, a day that crosses my mind most often when I'm walking the dog as it did, quite strongly, yesterday.

Waking up, then, is a bit of a shock. Back to earth with a crash as the reality of life kicks in.

There are two songs that in many ways define the past few months for me.

The Hollies with their 1974 hit 'The Air That I Breathe' and 'My Immortal' from Evanescence's 2003 album 'Fallen'.  Both songs developed a meaning for me in the last third of 2011, both for the same reason.

Seldom does a song describe the feelings and emotions that are present. I've known this song for the greater part of my life but, at one moment, whilst travelling up the M5 towards home, I really heard it for the first time.  

The following song is bittersweet. Initially it was a song that I kind of knew but hadn't ascribed any particular sense to. That changed in the summer and it took on various meanings for me over that time. Seeing Amy Lee perform it live at the Hammersmith Apollo in November added something else. Today it fills me with sadness and I can barely bring myself to listen to it without tears. It was witten by Ben Moody and, according to Wikipedia "Moody said that the song talks about 'a spirit staying with you after its death and haunting you until you actually wish that the spirit were gone because it won't leave you alone.' ".  I know the feeling although in my case it's the stuff in my head that won't leave me alone.